The Nose Knows: Worthy Attempts
by Herr D
Summary: How do 'toons help out a guy with real problems? Sometimes ideas aren't necessarily well thought out . . .
1. Chapter 1

The Nose Knows: Worthy Attempt

By Herr D

I sat forlornly on the curb and shrugged. "Why nod?" I said, wiping my sore nose for the umpteenth time. "Cad HURD eddything, righd?"

"Of COURTH not!" said the black duck, "We do thith all the TIME!"

"Daffy's right for a change—" began the gray and white rabbit.

"HEY!"

"—it's a GREAT IDEER! Wutt?! I said you were RIGHT!"

Daffy muttered, "Bugth bugth me—"

Bugs shook his head. "Stop imperpetratin' Porky and go round up Elmer. I'll get Tweety and explain what we're doin.' You? Make us an Emily."

"Effigy," I said.

Bugs stuck a white gloved finger under my nose. "STAWP that! We're tryin' to HELP you! TWEETY! Oh, TWEE—EE—EETY! C'mere!" His gray arm stretched a bit longer than it should have been able to. They whispered for a moment.

"All I gotta do," said Tweety, "Is make a sign? And hep make a sca'ecwow? And I might be hewlping MIWIONS OF PEOPOOW?!" He darted in and out of several houses then, and brought back several items in seconds.

Bugs held up his other hand to whisper to me. "Dis is de secret to a great plan. Get UDDER people to do de hard stuff." He was doing as much as he normally does, standing there forcing my neck to crane by holding back a sneeze that wasn't coming. That sneeze that felt about six days overdue. He pulled out a carrot from nowhere and noisily bit and chewed.

Tweety rapidly stuffed some pulled weeds from a neighbor's compost bin into an orange and brown paisley polyester shirt, a pink pillowcase, and a fluorescent green pair of warm-up pants. "I can't beWIEVE they were just givin' dis stuff to de GoodwEEw!" He leaned the ugly result against a nearby telephone pole. He looked heavenward. "Mistew Cahtoonist? Could you do de wightin' fo' me? I can't spe-ewh."

The sight of the giant paintbrush coming down was somehow nauseating. I looked away.

Daffy came running up, dodging the only being with worse aim than a Stormtrooper. Elmer Fudd came looming into view with that ridiculous elephant gun. Daffy nearly head-butted him. "Did yew know, thir, that THAT man—" He pointed at me. "Hath called the poleethe? You, thir, are breaking the lawww." He pointed his wing-hand-pointer finger-thing within a millimeter of Fudd's nose. It jutht tho happenth, that thith ith NOT DUCK THEATHON!"

Elmer Fudd stood for a moment, staring in fear at the appendage in front of his nose. "No?"

"NO. It'th WABBIT THEATHON!"

Elmer confusedly waved the gun to point at Bugs Bunny.

"Duck season."

Elmer confusedly waved the gun to point at Daffy Duck.

"WABBIT THEATHON!"

Elmer confusedly waved the gun to point at Bugs Bunny.

"Duck season."

Elmer confusedly waved the gun to point at Daffy Duck.

"WABBIT THEATHON!"

"Duck season."

Elmer confusedly waved the gun to point at Daffy Duck.

Daffy Duck, worked into a lather, stomped up and down, shouting, "IT'TH _**ALLERGY THEATHON! FIRE!"**_

Elmer haplessly wheeled around to see the effigy, with a crude sign painted on it that said, 'Mr. Allergy,' and fired with a combination of a single shot and a three shot burst. With a triumphant smile, he shouldered the oversized gun and began to march off to his typical theme music.

"Well?!" shouted Bugs, Daffy, and Tweety, all smiles as they clustered around.


	2. Chapter 2

I looked at them blearily. I managed a weak smile. "No, id didn' work. Bud id wa' FUNNY, anyway. Thanks for tryin'-nngng—AA-aaaCHOO!"

"Not bad… but not quite right."

I looked around confused. The voice seemed to be coming from the scarecrow. Twin screams erupted from Daffy and Elmer. Daffy left a trail of smoke as he blurred away.

Bugs looked thoughtfully at the scarecrow, which was now trying to sit up. "Aa-yeeeeah, what's up, Dark?"

The scarecrow put his cuffs on his waistband. "Dark?"

"I can't say you're tall or handsome, friend. What went wrong?"

"You didn't give me a nose?" The bottom of the pillowcase was folded vaguely into the shape of a mouth and moving appropriately.

Tweety flew up, stuffing a plaid baby sock and tucking it into a tear on the pillowcase as a nose. Bugs examined the nose carefully, then adjusted it slightly. He stepped back, folding his ears up against the noise, and nodded at Elmer.

Elmer shrugged and shook his head.

Bugs rolled his eyes. "You can't do it wittout-?"

Elmer pulled out his contract and blinked.

"Studios," muttered Bugs. "Okay, Tweety. It's BOYD season!" Elmer aimed his gun at Tweety.

"WABBIT THEATHON!" Tweety's Daffy impersonation was almost dead on. But Elmer was a pro. Didn't crack a smile. Elmer confusedly waved the gun to point at Bugs Bunny.

"BOYD season!" Elmer confusedly aimed his gun at Tweety.

"WABBIT THEATHON!" Elmer confusedly aimed at Bugs Bunny.

"Boyd season!" Elmer confusedly aimed at Tweety.

"ALLERGY THEATHON! FIYEH!" yelled Tweety.

Elmer wheeled around and fired. With the recoil, the scarecrow fell over. All of them clustered around me once more. "Well?" Bugs asked. I could see the hope in his eyes.

I shook my head as another sneeze erupted through my reddened nose.

Slowly, they all turned to the scarecrow. The limp body waved. Now barely able to hold together with the multiple holes in his chest, the scarecrow again began to sit up.

"Not quite right" the scarecrow repeats. It turned to face me. "I'd look at you, but I have no eyes." Tweety scooped up two of the blown-off buttons and pulled a bottle of glue from nowhere. He added eyes to the face. Elmer took aim in preparation, wrongly pointing at a section of sidewalk.

"Wait! " Bugs yelled. He looked over at Elmer, then back to the scarecrow. Looked at the scarecrow then back at Elmer. He moved Elmer's gun up, aiming to blow off the head of the scarecrow.

The scarecrow held up his empty cuffs. "I appreciate the features, but that's not quite right."

Bugs scowled at the scarecrow. "What NOW?!"

"You'd have to KILL me for this to work." The scarecrow shrugged. "You guys are 'toons! You can only GIVE life through laughter, not take it away!"

Bugs startled, grimaced. "OHH, brudder!" He turned Elmer's gun to face me. He kicked Elmer in the behind. Elmer fired accidentally.

Well, seeing my head blown off on paper is disturbing. At least my allergies went away. My new friend the scarecrow needs some gloves and tabi, not shoes, so he can feel his toes. Tabi, you know, those mittens for your feet? They're expensive, though. Can you send us some money? I could get Elmer to shoot you too!


End file.
